maybe i actually can
a reflection on my writing journey and how i've actually learned to Do It
It’s maybe embarrassing to say that at the age of 21, I am finally getting my creative footing and learning to actually write. Don’t get me wrong, 21 is not ancient or even vaguely old. But for someone who has been Trying To Write since I learned that books existed and has been what feels like unsuccessful for the better part of a decade, 21 feels like a lot.
For the longest time, “happiness” is not necessarily something I associated with writing. I did it—outlined stories in documents, wrote snippets of things here and there, even wrote extensive amounts of fanfiction—but it got to a point where I was writing because it was simply what I did, and I don’t mean that in a cool, fun way. I did it for escapism because I was deeply unsatisfied with myself, and I probably don’t have to tell you that that’s not a reason to write that will get you very far. It was like being on creative autopilot, and that sucked. Despite my lifelong literary dreams, I’ve never completed a writing project longer than a single short story that I feel genuinely proud of. The biggest of these dreams of mine has always been to write a novel, and so far, this has also been my biggest failure. My “skeletons in the closet” are just piles of unfinished first drafts of novels that I could never invest in for longer than a month or two.
The worst part is that I could never figure out why I felt so incapable. All of my attempts at novels ended in total stagnance and I didn’t even know the cause. I couldn’t even really call it “writer’s block,” because it wasn’t for lack of ideas. I just could never stick to them, and the horrible thing is that I knew that. By the time I actually started drafting the first chapter, the story would already be dead on arrival.
But now, suddenly, to quote what I have written in my notes app: “IM ACTUALLY DOING IT HOLY SHITTTTTTT”.
At the time of writing this, I am 13,299 words into a novella, which may not be much to some, but to me is insanely huge, especially since I’m over halfway to my 25K word goal. That’s pretty sick on its own, but what’s even better is the way I feel.
I don’t dread writing anymore. I’m not doing it out of obligation or because the world sucks or because I hate myself1, I’m doing it because it brings me happiness. I feel fulfilled when I write and I don’t want to stop, and I’m starting to become more aware of the things that were holding me back from all of this in the first place. I’m not sure if anyone else has struggled in this way, but the odds are that someone has, so maybe outlining some of those obstacles and how I’ve been working to fight them will be helpful. And, if not, I’m just proud of myself and want to write about it on the Internet so I don’t lose motivation after all this and go down in a blaze of glory. So sue me.
Chasing perfection
This one is pretty obvious, so I won’t dwell on it too much, but it was still a major problem. There are many ways in which being a part of online writing spaces young(er) was good for me. I was able to meet some of my closest online friends through discussing reading, writing, and our creative projects on Instagram. Even before that, I was watching YouTube videos about books and everything related.
I also internalized very strong, Internet-fueled ideas of what Good Writing and Bad Writing were. There were lots of pieces of writing tips and advice that got passed around online, especially where I was, and those things felt like a lifeline for a young writer who desperately wanted to be a Good Writer. The result is that I learned that there were Rules to be followed while writing and that if I strayed from these one-size-fits-all Rules, I would undoubtedly be deemed a Bad Writer.
As it turns out, writing advice is not a one-size-fits-all thing. Not at all, actually. Because books do not have a single mission, message, or point. They are varied, almost infinitely so, much like those who write them and who give advice about writing them. In trying to follow all these Rules, I only ended up choking my own creativity and learning not to follow my artistic instincts and drive. This left a lot of my early writing rather homogenous and devoid of any real passion because I was so bent on Writing Correctly.
I think the thing that saved me from this mentality was actually reading books, and reading a wider range of them. Especially once I got to college, I got exposed to books that were more diverse in genre, style, authorship, intent, you name it. It was hard to imagine that there was only one way to write correctly after that, and it helped me escape the confinement I had put around my own mind.
The urge to reinvent the wheel
I love stories that make me think differently. I love stories that bring something new and even mind-boggling to the table. Horror is a genre that I find does this incredibly well, and as soon as I got into reading horror, my natural inclination was to write horror just as genre-bend-y and unique. Even before that, I was always trying to think of ideas that would make my writing stand out.
Of course, this all resulted in me thinking rather highly of my ideas. And that was bad.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy or be confident in your ideas. That’s super important. But for me, thinking highly of my ideas soon snowballed into not being able to write something unless I thought it was reinventing the damn wheel. The issue was, I hadn’t even learned to roll yet (ya like my pun?). I got so focused on originality and coming up with ideas that nobody had ever even thought of before that I quickly lost sight of the point of it all. Which was to write.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to tell an original, inventive story. Those are the things I gravitate towards reading. But as someone who hasn’t even finished a draft of a novel, putting that pressure on myself felt premature. It got in the way of me actually working on writing and improving. Recently, I began drafting a novel—not the previously-mentioned 25K novella—that was intended as a piece of mind-and-genre-bending fiction so Ambitious, so New, that I barely knew how to explain its existence. I really liked the idea. It felt important to me to write.
I had fun with it for all of a week and a half. My momentum slowed. I panicked, because I’ve felt this before, and it was the very thing I was currently trying to avoid. But I ended up caving to my impulses and starting a brand-new draft of a brand-new story that was intended as a small side project, one I could work on when the novel didn’t want to cooperate. It seemed like a bad, distracting idea on paper. I didn’t want it to overtake my novel.
And it did, and I’m so glad it did.
My novella is not trying to reinvent the wheel. It’s a Gothic romance/fantasy, two genres I earnestly and dearly love, about a medieval maiden who would probably cry to “Creep” by Radiohead and the scary forest creature that’s obsessed with her, a kind of dynamic I always go nuts for. Because it was supposed to be something small, I felt no pressure to make it some big, inventive thing. I was just writing it for the sake of it, writing exactly what I wanted to write. Nothing more, nothing less. I can’t say it’s going to be earthshatteringly unique or anything. What I can say is that it’s my own and that I love it, and if I want to put a different spin on it later, I can. That’s the beauty of revision—but revision can’t happen until you actually have something to revise.
Capitalism………………………………
I am simply over capitalism leaving its grimy fingerprints all over art. I hate it. I can’t stand it. I’ve developed an allergy to it.
A lot of people write books because they want them published. I’m glad for that, because it means I get to read lots of awesome books! I just don’t think I’m one of those people—or, at least, I’m not right now. I’m not going to say that I’ll never try to get my books traditionally published. I’m sure that, in the event that I write a book I think is worth the trouble, I probably will. But I’m also making a promise to myself right now that if that doesn’t work out, I’m not going to beat myself up over it. My goal in writing is not to make money or sell a product, and getting into that mindset has only ever hurt me. My goal is artistic expression and connection with others, and that’s not anything I need capitalism for. If I ever want to publish, I’ll do it myself because I want even the slightest chance of touching someone else’s heart.
Okay I cannot lie there’s also a technical side
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. There are some more tangible things I’ve done to make writing better for myself, too. They’re not the most important, but they’ve still helped me, so here they are, rapid-fire:
Starting by writing a novella instead of a full-blown novel. It’s still a fun and challenging length without pushing myself to burnout right out of the gate. I envision writing a novel as a marathon: you have to train yourself for it, and you don’t train for marathons by immediately running a marathon.
Setting an attainable goal for myself. 25K words is more than I’ve written for something before, but it’s nothing crazy like 80-100K. I feel like I can actually do it.
Tracking my progress and building a daily writing habit. This is where I have to sing the praises of Trackbear, which I have not been told or paid to promote but I am still promoting regardless because it has been so helpful for me in doing both those things. I’m not sure what it is about it, but the heat maps and leaderboard graphs really tickle the part of my brain that enjoys games and seeing the buildup of work. Also, I am highly motivated by cute bears!
So basically
You’ve got to stop giving fucks about external forces/opinions and start putting all those fucks into writing your heart out. Unless that doesn’t work for you, but it sure works for me. Also, keep a fanfic project on the side. It’s good for the soul I promise.
That’s all I have for this little Substack comeback, I just felt like sharing some joy for once <3 And if you want to keep more in the loop about my novella progress/general shenanigans, you can find me on Instagram as jeanliterary where I am much more active!
The world does have a tendency to stuck and sometimes I do still hate myself, but that’s something I’m working on, too.